11. Interruptions

Along with eye contact, how are you respond to interruptions from other people is one of the most powerful ways you communicate your status.  Whether intended or not, someone who tries to interrupt you is effectively saying their opinion is more important than yours.

(I should clarify that I’m talking here about an attempted interruption while you are in mid-flow, rather than one person starting to speak as the previous speaker is coming to the end, which is the cultural norm in much of the world, even if the timing varies between countries.  For example it’s much more common for people in Italy to talk over each other as part of the exchange of ideas whereas the Chinese usually leave a pause after the previous speaker has finished to indicate that they had heard and considered what was said.)

If your subconscious - System 1 – brain tells you that the person interrupting you has higher status, your instinctive reaction will probably be to defer instantly and let them speak. And this will probably be automatically accompanied by breaking eye contact and looking down, which is another indication that you accept their higher status.

The next time this happens to you, try to resist the temptation to stop instantly and instead continue to speak, even if only for a couple of seconds.

One of two things is likely to happen. Either the other person will stop speaking, allowing you to finish your point.  You could look on this as them having tested your conviction and you having passed the test.

Or they will continue to talk. If this happens, and if the person interrupting has legitimately higher status than you, my advice would be to give way graciously after this extra couple of seconds.  Obviously it makes no sense for both of you to talk because people cannot listen to two voices at the same time. And I’m not suggesting you take on, in a public arena, one of the big beasts. It will not serve you to be seen to challenge anyone whose status is significantly higher than yours, because they will probably feel the need to underline this higher status by putting you down.

But instead of low status deferment, what you are aiming to do is to give way out of courtesy, from a position of increased status. And what is more, you’re putting down a marker of increased status that will discourage others from interrupting you and make it easier for you to return to your point once the new speaker has finished.

If, however, the person interrupting you does not have legitimately higher status, or only slightly higher status, try continuing to speak for a few seconds longer.  In so doing your message to the interrupter, and the rest of the room, is “what I am saying is important and I would like to finish”.  It does no harm to raise your voice slightly – slightly – at the same time.

In either case try to remain calm and gracious, because these are usually indicators of high status in themselves.  Resentment or annoyance simply makes you look weak. If the same person interrupts you repeatedly, it might be that a little visible irritation is justified and effective.  But, at least initially, grace and good humour tend to be the hallmarks of the strong and confident.

Of course you may encounter resistance from anyone whose System 1 perceives you as lower status and who is used to being able to interrupt you freely.  It’s true that what you’re doing is challenging the status hierarchy so some noses may be out of joint.

Rather than trust to the moment to make a decision, It might be worth making a list, before the meeting begins, of whose interruptions you will allow and whose you will resist.  You probably know perfectly well who the likely offenders are. As you compile your list, you may well find that the highest status person in the room is less prone to interrupting then the second and third highest. It’s not always the case, but it’s quite common for the top dog to model respectful behaviour whilst those slightly lower in the hierarchy use interruptions to boost their status.

And I should warn you that, if you’re used to giving way instantly when interrupted, continuing to talk may feel deeply uncomfortable and it may take some practice to overcome your internal resistance.  Stick with it, it’s important.  If you’re going to change your habits, a little discomfort is a price worth paying.  It’s a good example of where I might be able to help by exploring with you how this works and by giving you space to practise.